overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
