new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
