Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
