Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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