4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
