I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
