she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
