Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
