im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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