YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
