hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
