just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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