apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
