Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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