i wish starbucks made bloody marys
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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