Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
