3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
