Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
