3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
