Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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