Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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