i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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