I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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