I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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