Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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