so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
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Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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