Don't make out with my wife yet
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
