when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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