I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
