I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
