just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
