I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
