the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
