whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just gargled with NyQuil
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
