sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
