The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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