He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
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