you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
