Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
