she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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