I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
