He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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