Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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