okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
