He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
