the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
