No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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