god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
