He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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