You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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