So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
