im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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