I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
