Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
