I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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