Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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