For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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