U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
