we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
