Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
