And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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