it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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