do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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