Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
