i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
