Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
of course. lets lasso hookers.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
