Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
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you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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