Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
