i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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